Auf Kosten der Gesundheit Teil Sechs

Found the dead body of a fluorescent strawberry milkshake (or that, at least, is what it looked like, kind of difficult to determine with certainty due to the violent disintegration of its glass container) at around 11 pm on my way out of Uhlandstraße U-Bahn station, which, I'm beginning to think, could be some sort of portal to a third dimension, Mars or maybe even Hogwarts. The Schlagermove, the second most disgustingly rainbow-ish German festival just surpassed by Skittles and Sauerkraut in an ashtray on a Gay Pride parade, was over, and I'm almost 80% sure it was July, but it must have been the coldest July since that May in Atlanta when André 'Ice Cold' 3000 was born. Due to various reasons, usually an absurd tendency to see magnificence and abnormality in the dullest and smelliest of things, the intense, swampy, sticky pink tone of this formerly known as dairy based beverage seemed a lot more appetising (if not, at least, potable) when spilled over that filthy Hamburger floor than, I imagine, it ever looked on the refrigerator shelf of the supermarket place where it originally belonged to. I can't imagine, regardless of race, age or sexual orientation, why would anybody in this world throw away such a beautifully coloured liquid, except for the case that this person was German, in which situation I would totally understand, since Germans are all raised to prioritise basically anything over premeditated beauty. But its dramatic, anti-hygienic death looked like the most spontaneous, unapologetically tacky thing I saw that day. One can never be thankful enough for the fake blood and the big city.

All pictures taken on 16th July 2016 in the surroundings of Uhlandstraße U-Bahn station in Hamburg, Germany.

Auf Kosten der Gesundheit Teil Fünf

Found the dead body of a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant (or that, at least, is what it looked like, kind of difficult to determine with certainty due to a lack of Polo Ralph Lauren) while wasting some time away before a Rival Sons secret-slash-surprise gig near Berlin's Very Own Columbia Theater, the second blandest venue in Berlin just surpassed by any other venue in Berlin or by any of Drake's facial expressions, for that matter, as demonstrated with a simple Google Images search of the term 'drake', no capitalisation required. This is the first bloody bastard in the Auf Kosten der Gesundheit saga which undoubtedly deserved its remorseless assassination, squashed by an ironically thin tyre in a bike lane of a typically glamour-free German avenue, perfectly deprived of its 3-dimensional status for ever, as if it had been sleeping between the pages of a closed Bible under Michael Moore's ass for the last decade. Due to various reasons, usually an irrational hatred towards urban cyclist, I really don't want to say that the specimen of the human race who killed this little yellow Satan apprentice fuck should have died in a resembling manner, but I will; needless to say, that would have made an effing good picture. I can't imagine what this flying being existence was like since, as previously stated, I don't really care and I'm honestly glad it came to an end. But its fair, oxygen-saving death looked like the most colourful, Hollywoodesque thing I saw that day. One can never be thankful enough for the poetic justice and the preppy style.

All pictures taken on 9th June 2016 somewhere along Columbiadamm, Berlin, Germany.

Auf Kosten der Gesundheit Teil Vier

Found the dead body of a toilet with neither a seat nor a lid (not so sure about the brand, though, kind of difficult to determine with certainty due to the fact that nobody gives a shit about toilet brands, turd intended) in Uhlandstraße U-Bahn station, Hamburger home of the small performance, while talking to my mother on the phone at around 22:45, the second best hour of the day just surpassed by the hour you accidentally wake up at to realize you still got two hours left to sleep. The utilitarian-item-made-into-urban-sculpture was at the entrance of the tunnel that leads to the platforms (sensibly not surpassing the crossing bird-excrement line) because some currently-retired-former-punk-anarchist couldn't even bother to leave it in a junkyard, probably due to various reasons, usually hip replacement surgery. I'm sad that nobody happened to be passing by at that time and looked like the kind of fellow man who would agree to sit in it while I took the ultimately decadent portrait of contemporary humanity. But the cold, coldhearted, Hank Williams style abandonment of this sanitary piece of furniture looked like the most creative, fearless thing I saw that day. One can never be thankful enough for the useless and the art.

All pictures taken on the 11th May 2016 in Uhlandstraße U-Bahn station in Hamburg, Germany.

Auf Kosten der Gesundheit Teil Drei

Found the dead body of an unpaired woollen sock, 15.5 UK size (not so sure if it's actually a sock, kind of difficult to determine with certainty due to it having a face) like a month ago when I dropped from the wrong bus in Mundsburger Brücke, the second widest bridge in Hohenfelde just surpassed by the distance between me and Dolly Parton ever being friends and swapping clothes regularly. This endearingly creepy homemade ghost was delicately hanging from a street sign because some hopeless German person put it up there, probably due to various reasons, usually Jägermeister. I'd really like to meet him or her and tell him or her to get his or her shit together and start asking around in independent art galleries like normal people do because not everybody can be Banksy and street art is so 2009 anyway. I doubt that I'll ever get the chance to do so because rumour has it that Germans don't fancy being randomly incriminated by strangers. But the public, heartless hanging of this non-living half of a knitted object looked like the most disturbing, well-meaning thing I saw that day. One can never be thankful enough for the quietness and the disobedience.

All pictures taken on the 23rd April 2016 in the crossing between Papenhuder Straße, Armgartstraße y Mundsburger Damm in Hamburg, Germany.

Auf Kosten der Gesundheit Teil Zwei

Found the dead body of a BMW (not so sure about the model, kind of difficult to determine with certainty due to pyromania) last Monday noon while grocery shopping near Lohmühlenpark, the second most disappointing park of Hamburg just surpassed by the cash machine at the end of my street. This marvellously efficient work of German engineering had been burned to a crisp by someone who surely hated the guts of its proud upper-middle-class basic owner, probably due to various reasons, usually committing adultery with his wife. The four-wheeled vehicle's coachwork had melted and solidified, and ashes were covering the car of some monogamous gentleman parked on its right side. People passing by stared at it without the bewilderment I would have expected, maybe because it's a Central-European tradition and they're kind of used to it. I'll never know if the police photographer who took pictures of the corpse before me was Tom Petty or just a character in Guitar Hero 2. But its slow, merciless death looked like the most dramatic, thrilling thing I saw that day. One can never be thankful enough for the love and the insanity and the fire, specially all three combined.*


*This may or may not be the second issue of a series called Auf Kosten der Gesundheit, may or may not, depending on the rise or decrease of intentional homicide rate in Germany, Hamburg in particular.

All pictures taken on the 2nd May 2016 in the surroundings of Lohmühlenpark in Hamburg, Germany.

Auf Kosten der Gesundheit

“I’d rather you shot at tin cans in the back yard, but I know you’ll go after birds. Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit ‘em, but remember it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.” 

To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee

Found the dead body of a pigeon (or that, at least, is what it looked like, kind of difficult to determine with certainty due to a lack of head) on my way back from Flohschanze flea market last Saturday at around 1 pm, the second most useless hour of the day just surpassed by 11 am. The innocent creature of our Lord had been decapitated by something or someone who surely had nothing to do with our Lord, probably due to various reasons, usually whiskey. The poor thing's guts were all scattered on the ground, with subtle touches of blood and dog's urine here and there. People passing by glanced at it without amazement, and none of them took their hats off to say the Lord's Prayer to it. I can't imagine what this flying being existence was like, the struggles it went through, the lights and shadows of its lifetime, how many bread crumbs offered by mammal strangers it declined. But its trivial, worthless death looked like the most passionate, graceful thing I saw that day. One can never be thankful enough for the truth and the beauty.

All pictures taken on 23rd April 2016 in the surroundings of Uhlandstraße U-Bahn station in Hamburg, Germany.